When a survivor of narcissistic abuse leaves the abusive relationship, their nervous system is completely dysregulated. They are very much like someone who has just come home from war. They feel unsafe in their surroundings and unsure of how to make decisions. At times, their new environment may feel calm, yet unbearably lonely—almost life-threatening to be alone. They may even wish they were back with their abuser and feel as if their life is over now that the abuser is gone.
These are common emotions for someone who has been in a prolonged relationship with a person who has a personality disorder. The confusion after leaving is overwhelming. Survivors often feel as if they have just woken up from a dream—or more accurately, a nightmare—and struggle to believe that their past life was real. This is because living in a narcissistically abusive relationship means existing in a fantasy—one that belongs to the narcissist, not reality. Survivors have been out of touch with reality for however long they endured the relationship
Why Traditional Talk Therapy May Not Be Effective
As a survivor myself, I have learned that traditional psychotherapy, or “talk therapy,” is often ineffective for victims of narcissistic abuse or any Cluster B personality disorder. In fact, talk therapy—especially when someone has just left the relationship—can unknowingly re-traumatize the client. It can also keep them stuck in the same cycle they were living in, rather than helping them break free.
The Importance of No Contact and Reclaiming One’s Own Voice
At the point when a survivor decides to go no contact with their abuser, they often struggle to differentiate their own thoughts from the narcissist’s influence. Their ability to test reality has been impaired because they have spent so much time trapped in the narcissist’s constructed nightmare. Their mind still resides in that false reality.
I highly recommend targeted journaling, somatic exercises, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to aid in the healing process. It is crucial to work with a therapist, coach, or trauma specialist who fully understands narcissistic abuse. They must be able to guide therapy sessions effectively so the client does not fall back into the narcissist’s psychological grip.
How DBT and Journaling Aid Recovery
DBT has proven to be highly effective in my work with survivors. I often provide my clients with structured questions and exercises to practice during our sessions, as well as “homework” to complete on their own.
Journaling is another powerful tool, but it must be structured. I give my clients journal prompts—I tell them what to write about and encourage them to reach out if they feel stuck. This approach is necessary because narcissistic abuse is not like other forms of abuse. That is why Professor Sam Vaknin coined the term “Narcissistic Abuse” in the early 1990s—to distinguish it from more conventional forms of emotional or physical abuse.
The Power of Art Therapy in Healing
Another therapeutic approach I use is art therapy. This method helps clients shift away from their analytical mind and engage in creative processes that restore self-trust.
Art therapy promotes divergent thinking, allowing survivors to explore safe decision-making. This may seem basic, but in narcissistic abusive relationships, the narcissist infantilizes their victim. The survivor must relearn how to make choices and trust their own decisions.
Many survivors remain frozen in the “freeze” trauma response, unable to function. Art therapy provides a safe space to rebuild cognitive and emotional skills, helping them transition from survival mode to a thriving mindset.
The Role of Somatic Healing in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Somatic healing is a crucial part of why my clients not only heal faster but also reach a point where they no longer need my services.
Anger is an action emotion—it is meant to spur change. After leaving a narcissistic abusive relationship, the survivor experiences intense anger and pain. This energy must be moved out of the body. If it is bottled up, it often manifests as illness.
This is where somatic healing comes in. Art therapy is already somatic in nature because it involves physical action. However, there are many other forms of somatic healing.
Finding Alternative Somatic Techniques for Different Clients
Many people think of yoga as the primary somatic healing technique, but I work with a lot of men who are not interested in yoga. Instead, I introduce them to alternative activities such as:
- Music therapy (a major tool for many men I work with
- Sports
- Shooting or archery
- Cooking and hands-on activities
As healers, we must think outside the box for each client. Victims of narcissistic abuse have forgotten what they enjoy because they have spent years prioritizing their abuser’s needs over their own. It is our job to help them rediscover healthy coping mechanisms, especially during the crucial period after leaving the relationship. This is a fragile time, and without the right guidance, survivors may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms or even return to their abuser. Helping them find healthy, empowering activities is critical to ensuring they not only heal but also reclaim their autonomy and thrive in life once again.
